Happy Transplantiversary

December 6, 2007 at 2:29 pm (Blogroll, grand gesture, holding onto no one, hope, I don't think I'll ever get over you., inspired by, Live Sing Dance and be free, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, Music, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Sad songs, Song lyrics, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

It was a year ago today that she had her heart transplant.

A candy coated dream
With parks and trees and figurines
And her arms wrap around my sleeve
With tiny steps and eyes of green
Toy guitar that’s out of tune
Eyes fixed on morning-time cartoons
And by the lantern of the moon
I will dream of a love like you

And will you hang up high
A family portrait smile?
Will you kiss my child
As she is dancing now?
This figure I will frame
A life without a name
But this thought I proclaim
I’m just romancing now
I’m only chancing now
A candy coated dream

With hearts and strings and angel wings
And her life will fall between
The cracks that follow you and me

Will you hang up high
A family portrait smile?
Will you kiss my child
As she is dancing now?
This figure I will frame
A life without a name
But this thought I proclaim
I’m just romancing now
I’m only chancing now

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To each their own.

October 18, 2007 at 12:05 pm (Blogroll, facebook, grand gesture, holding onto no one, hope, I don't think I'll ever get over you., inspired by, Live Sing Dance and be free, Love, love addiction dependence, love letters, love relationships dating, Music, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Sad songs, Song lyrics, Uncategorized)

Where do I start?

A few weeks ago my mother joined facebook to keep up with my nephew in Uganda. I know this only because I got a notice saying that she added me as a friend. I didn’t even remember signing up for the site. When I talked to my mother on her birthday she mentioned that my exes profile said that she was “in a relationship” with me. I just dismissed it, said it was old, and that neither of us really ever used the site. I didn’t think much of it. She also mentioned that other family was on the site. So I logged in and added a little blurb or two and one photo, just to make it active and keep up with family. When I was looking for family, naturally I went to my mothers page to see who she added. My mothers friend count was one more then the amount of people that were visible to me. Knowing that my mother wouldn’t be able to view the information she relayed to me, if she wasn’t a confirmed friend of my ex. I realized that my ex must have blocked me from seeing that she was on the site. Not really a big deal. I don’t care if she’s on there, and I wouldn’t have looked for her. I wouldn’t even have known she was there, had my mother not mentioned it. I’m sure my mother just added anyone that was on her email contact list, not really thinking about the fact that we are no longer together.

I just wonder what compels her to accept my mothers friendship (albeit virtual) when I am essentially dead to her. One of my first thoughts was that she was hiding the fact that she was on my mothers friend list. Thinking rationally, I realized that isn’t it. I suppose she just doesn’t want me to know she is there at all. But, why add my mom and pretend as though she is not the cold, callous person that she has portrayed to me. Seeing how she never really used the site before, she could have just ignored that fact that she received the same email I did: inviting her to be my mothers friend. That or she could have respectfully declined; saying that she was no longer a friend of mine and that it wouldn’t be right to befriend my mother. I’m certainly not going to confront her about it. Last thing I would ever do is try to tell my mother who she can be friends with. In the long run it doesn’t really matter, I just think that if she is going to be my mothers virtual friend she should at least own it and not hide the fact that she is even there. I wouldn’t be able to look at her profile if I wanted to, which I don’t.

What do you think, strangers on my blog??

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Live, Sing, Dance and be free.

September 5, 2007 at 12:31 pm (Colin Hay, grand gesture, holding onto no one, hope, I don't think I'll ever get over you., inspired by, Live Sing Dance and be free, Love, love addiction dependence, love letters, love relationships dating, Music, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Sad songs, Song lyrics, Uncategorized)

Artist: Colin Hay
Song: I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that’s far away
And when I’m done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don’t want you thinking I’m unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
I’m no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
‘Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter’s still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don’t want you thinking I don’t get asked to dinner
‘Cause I’m here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you

—————————-

So I just happened on this song which is apparently on the Garden State Soundtrack. Typically this would be a very sad song, but I’m absolutely ecstatic.

Not long ago, I would find this song causing a tropical storm in the southern portion of my mental health. Even though the days are, on average, fair to partly cloudy. (To run with the weather analogy) I just can’t explain how wonderful it feels to listen to a sad song and have it remind me of no one. Finding yourself holding onto no one, and allowing no one to have a hold on you, to the point that you feel you’d never get over them. Having recently felt previously said way, I find it refreshing to be rid of it. I’m glad that I was able to love someone to the point I’d never get over them, but being able to come out of a terrible state of longing for the lost past, feels better. Suffice it to say, but it feels better to have love and to lost, then to have never loved at all.

So I found myself listening to the song several times, singing along and smiling. It’s a beautiful heart felt song. The lyrics speak volumes on love. Listening to it and getting an emotional high is exhilarating. Even though her face does dance through my mind from time to time, and I miss what we shared, I’m over her. I will never allow the love that I felt go away, it just bears no hold on me. So people I implore you, hold on to no negative thoughts, Live, Sing, Dance and be free.

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Short and sweet

August 24, 2007 at 11:05 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about the whole thing now. I may expand on it more later. I haven’t updated in a while because writing here makes me think about the situation more then I care to. But this chapter in my life has come to a close. We have broken off contact for good. I’ve got good news. I’m met someone and we are hitting it off really well. She is short and sweet like this entry. Its rather exciting and sightly scary at the same time.

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To me, from her, friend is a four letter word.

July 10, 2007 at 12:08 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

Here is the email I received from her after (the previous blog entry) that I sent her.

"With the exception of being bored and having no one to talk to I'm perfectly happy with my life right now."

I get the distinct impression that very statement is what motivates you to reach out and contact me as many times as you have.

I also think that last part of the sentence is disingenuous, otherwise you wouldn't be so focused on communication between us at this time. No one is ever "perfectly happy" with their lives, no matter how great things are.

Look...I can't for the life of me understand why two people who were so severely miserable with one another and who ended on the horrible terms that we did would want to maintain any kind of relationship? Your persistence baffles me.

I don't mind the occasional checking in, hi, how are you, etc.--which I've seemed to be doing...but apparently that's not enough for you. So, ______, I ask you: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? Because your emails tend to circle around and around again without ever reaching a point, without ever saying whatever it is you are REALLY trying to say.

I told you that I'm happy (not "perfectly happy," or the kind of happy which one feels the need to embelish for an ex's benefit, but just genuinely happy and serene for once), and my life is moving in a positive direction. These are the answers you've been claiming you want to know, and yet...you aren't satisfied and you keep acting like I'm not fulfilling some expectation you have.

We failed as a couple on a scale previously inconceivable to me, so I'm just gonna take a shot in the dark here when I say, that probably means we don't work as friends either. I don't want to be friends and communication with you is turning out to be somewhat of a thorn in my side.

Well, with that said. Its just like her to pick one sentence, one thing I said, to tear apart. True, I am not “perfectly happy” with life right now. I gave a few exceptions, being bored, having no friends or anyone to talk to, and I also said things could be better. Of course she would choose an “absolute” (the word perfectly) that I mistakenly said, to throw in my face. “You’re not happy and here is why”.

I have to say, there are many things about her that baffle me and I can’t for the life of me figure out. If she was truly “severely miserable” in our relationship, then why did she stay in it? Why did she try to convince me that she wanted to work on our problems? Was it only because I took care of her and the alternative was less appealing? Having to move back in with her mom and support herself, as opposed to having me pay for housing, electricity, and food, so she could spend her child support and child’s social security on shoes and clothes for herself.

It doesn’t matter what I want from her, she is unwilling to give anything. When it comes to what I “WANT” well I would really like to know that all the times she said she loved me, all the little notes, when she said our breakup was harder then finding out her daughter may die, wasn’t all a lie. She said that it was hard because I was the first person she ever really loved. Well if that is true, then how can she treat me the way she does? I would like to feel that she wasn’t just using me, until I had nothing left to offer, and then throwing me aside. I think that is exactly what she did with the friends that gave us a place to stay, when we moved across country.

Thats another thing, (I’ll allow some animosity to flow here) shortly after we got together, she was forced to quit her job to take care of her ailing 4 (now 5) year old. She moved in with her mother and step-dad for the time being. I was the one who saved my money and moved us across country. Then brought her back to the place I hated being, and stayed here for her. I got us an apartment, which she convinced me she would help pay for with child support, social security and donated money.

The only bill she paid on, which she made the “self fulfilling prophecy” that it would be the demise of our relationship, was the internet. Anything I did online that she didn’t agree with, was canceled out by her maintaining the relationship with the guy she ran to, as soon as ours was over. She also maintained an internet relationship with someone else (even after she admitted she had no use for it) just because he gave her money when she needed some help. Not to mention someone she had a fling with while his girlfriend lived somewhere else. All of these things, I allowed, because I believed her and trusted her, which she couldn’t do for me.

Besides financially supporting her, I was also there for her through what was quite possibly the hardest time in her life. I was the one by her side every step of the way, seeing her through her daughter’s heart transplant. I was there for her daughter even when her father was not. Only leaving them long enough to work, I stayed with her on countless nights in the hospital. Losing sleep, and going back to work exhausted. She claimed it meant a lot to her, that I would always be a part of their life. I “want” to feel like she would stand by that, that she really meant what she said. Not that I feel she is indebted to me, but because I fell in love with both of them. They are like family to me, and I can’t just let that go.

She found a little poem that said “If equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me”. Well I think that I have more then proven, that I am the more loving one. I do not hold anything against her, and I didn’t hold things against her in our relationship. Yes, I would like it if we could keep contact with each other. It is the one thing I can’t let go of, no matter how hard I try to convince myself I’m better off not caring, I still do. As it is apparent, she is much happier pretending I don’t exist. Although, other people have done far less for her then I, they get some kind of preferential treatment that I don’t deserve. So no I’m not “perfectly happy”, though in many ways I’m happier then I was with her, and if that is truly who she is, I really am better off.

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friends

July 4, 2007 at 1:14 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

I recently sent her an email asking how things were going, saying that I was just concerned. She said she understood my concern and that everything was fine with her daughter and she’d let me know if anything went wrong. So I sent her an email back saying I would hope for more then just updates if something went wrong and I hope that we could get to a point where we could be friends.

In all honesty, I’m not actually looking to be “friends” with her right now . Not in the sense that we meet and share all facets of life with each other or even speak regularly. I just hope to be more then a third class person whose only concern between us is with the health of her daughter. Although, that is most important and her happiness should no longer be a concern of mine. I can’t help but care and show my concern for someone I spent so many days sharing my life with, talking to daily. Just because things went wrong and our relationship is over, I cannot pretend that it didn’t happen and wasn’t good while it lasted.

It lasted around 13 months, estimated around 400 days. On any given day in our relationship no matter what trials we faced or fights that we had, there was a least one moment that everything in life was absolutely perfect. Whether the moment was a look that we exchanged, seeing her smile, the slightest touch or a long embrace, or making love, nothing would have made life more perfect at that moment. Many days had more then one moment, some days the moments lasted all day, even the worst day had one or more. Some of those moments no matter how insignificant at the time, etched memories that will last a lifetime. It’s unfortunate that we will never have moments like that together ever again. We will have them again, with other people or just by ourself. I for one cannot allow a rocky break up, any amount of vehement pain, anger or harsh words negate all those perfect moments. I will hold onto them, as I search for more moments like them.

I want her to be as happy as possible, if that happiness comes at the price of never speaking to her again, or just waiting until she can handle speaking to me. Then so be it. I’m not going to press the issue or expect her to respond to me, just because I write her. I would really just like to keep some form of open communication, more then just hearing if something goes wrong. With the exception of being bored and having no one to talk to, I’m perfectly happy with my life right now. Things could be better, but they have been a lot worse in the last month or two and several other times in my life. I’m getting along just fine and finding happiness daily, I would just like to know that she is doing the same. If it is too hard for her to keep an open form of communication, or just telling me how she is feeling, then I will stop. I’ll let her decide when it is right for us to speak again, I just can’t put the ‘concern’ I feel aside.

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Epiphany/ Butterfly kisses.

July 1, 2007 at 3:13 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

Main Entry: epiph·a·ny
Pronunciation: i-'pi-f&-nE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -nies
Etymology: Middle English epiphanie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin epiphania, from Late Greek, plural, probably alteration of Greek epiphaneia appearance, manifestation, from epiphainein to manifest, from epi- + phainein to show

3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment

I’ve had several epiphanies in my life. Many of them while just waking up. Like I did with the grand gesture, or like I said in the last post. When I wake up I think of her first. Something I wish I could have done more of in our relationship. Recently, I had an epiphany in the middle of the day. Standing out on my balcony, where I usually think of her most, smoking a hand rolled cigarette, a Butterfly kissed me on the forehead. It then circled around me and landed on a leaf, close by. It spread out its wings and I saw little skewed happy faces on them. Later I saw that, and another butterfly chasing each other around. Today while on my balcony a caterpillar crawled its way towards me. It stopped just before me and ended up turning around.

I took this to be, the offspring of the butterfly ripples in the universe. This green fuzzy worm made its way to me, made its presence known and walked away. Watching this all in front of me, I had an epiphany. I’m not missing out on very much, not being with her. The most important thing I would really miss out if I was still with her is: LIFE. Don’t get me wrong she made even the most intolerable things in life, great. All by stroking my hair and letting me know she cared. The things I miss the most are: Love, affection (human touch) and someone to talk about or share my daily life with. I could easily find someone to provide that.

Even if I hold every future relationship, to the standard that she set. I could not settle for anything less then her, looks, intelligence, personality, and ability to inspire me to be a better person. I will not pursue someone that can’t hold to up to those standards.

If I meet someone who can achieve those standards, then, in all likely hood ‘said person’ will exceed where she did not. They will be able to offer what she couldn’t. Freedom, the ability to go out when I wanted, eat ice cream or , sleep late any day I want. In the apartment that I pay for none the less. It sucks to pay for something that you have to abide by others rules.

Realizing once again, why I ended our relationship it was much easier. I couldn’t see it for a while because I was focused on what I was losing. What she ‘seemed’ to offer. I now see that I couldn’t have this happiness and be with her. She was a fairly equal replacement for what I felt I was missing, though I must say that any replacement would have to be pretty outstanding. Though It can be done. In the meantime I’m not missing out.

The only hard part is, that I still live alone and know very few people. Even if I’m meeting new people its no one I care to ‘try for’. I’m not even looking for that now. I still care about her and I’m truly, completely, genuinely happy if she has found happiness. The only thing left for me to do is live life. I just need to remake a life for myself, away from home, here.  Like I tried with her.


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The next step.

June 29, 2007 at 6:10 am (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love addiction dependence, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, reconnecting, romance)

It has been a couple months now since I broke up with my ex. Just over a month since I started this blog and set my Grand Gesture in motion. Part of me wishes I had carried out the full plan. But, it’s better that I didn’t. Knowing the way she feels and she’s moving on, it wouldn’t be right for her to receive the cards I was going to send via balloon mail over what could’ve been months.

I still think about her daily. I really wish I didn’t, I wish there was some way to quiet my mind. The worst part is when I sleep. I wake up several times throughout the night, which is not unusual. Its just now, when I wake up my first thoughts are typically about her. I stopped having as many dreams about her, with the exception of one a couple nights ago. Deep down in my subconscious I am still having trouble letting go of her. When I think about her during conscious thought, I try to remember why we broke up. The daily struggle that we went through, and the weekly fights. I try to think of ways that she wronged me, something to try and build a little healthy animosity just for the sake of getting past this. I can never really come up with anything solid.

I still focus on moving on. She is out living her life, I should build one for myself. It’s really hard because all I do is work, and don’t have any friends here. I have one place that I go, just to get out of the house. It is a poor place to go if I want to meet other single people. I just go because its better then sitting at home. I’m actually meeting someone there for a drink tomorrow. Someone that I’ve been “e-friends” with for sometime, but corresponded with very little. I’m not expecting a whole lot with this “meeting” as I’ll call it. I presume that as eager as she was to meet, she may have some hopes of romance. I don’t know for sure.

I am not going to allow myself to rush into anything at this point. It will be nice to meet someone new. Who knows, if she has a good personality and seems like a fun person, we may hang out more in the future. She’s offered to take me out to some “dive bars” if I’m lucky. I just don’t want to use anyone as a stop-gap method of over coming my heartbreak. Though, she could be a nice distraction. Anything to get my mind off of things for a while.

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Two steps forward, one step back.

June 22, 2007 at 5:32 am (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love addiction dependence, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Song lyrics)

As soon as I say that I’m moving on and letting go, I get sucked back in the vortex for just a moment. A million hidden claws pulling my heart and mind in all directions. I had just decided it is best for me that I put my feelings behind me and move down the long, twisting, rocky road to recovery.

Within minutes of my last post, stating that I would not contact her again. I returned home from my brothers, and found an email waiting for me. It was from her, saying that she needed to come by and get some things her daughter needed. She wanted to come by when she knew I would be at work. I let her know when I would be away, yet offered that if she wanted to meet and be civil, it was an option. She was open to the idea of meeting sometime, but not when she was retrieving her things. That was a hard day. Knowing that she would be in “our” apartment, securing some belongings, really meant it was over.

She didn’t get much that day, and contacted me again to get more the next week. I offered times and said I would leave the house on a day I didn’t work if that would be better for her. She said yes, and the next day came by. I hadn’t gotten out of the house before she arrived. In fact I was walking out, as her and her daughter were walking in. It was so hard to see her. She looked different, I knew she lost weight, but she looked so thin. I realized later that I barely looked at her face and certainly couldn’t look her in the eye. My heart was racing, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I foolishly and sheepishly asked for a hug, which I was refused.

One night in between her two trips to the apartment, during a thunderstorm in the western regions of my mental health, I called and text messaged her. I let her know that it wasn’t about us, but I was having a hard night. She called me back and we talked for about 30 minutes or so. I tried my hardest not to talk about us, and only slipped once. She quickly told me it wasn’t my place and I apologized.

We eventually started talking about things in our lives, like two old friends. I found out that she was no longer taking the anti-depressants, and abstaining from alcohol. Which was not as much for the usual bad effects, but more because alcohol is hard on the immune system. It really meant a lot to me that she called me back at all, it showed she does still care about me as a person. Which further leads me to believe that her previous scornful demeanor was brought on by the meds.

This minor set back, calling her in a moment of need and having her respond better then during my previous moment of need (Which was much worse, because I felt betrayed and said horrible things.) was a positive thing. It allows me to move on easier knowing that not all is lost, and at least some future friendly relationship is possible. I was glad to hear that she is doing good and in a better place mentally. Medication has a way of numbing people and clouding their ability to think clearly and logically.

When I think about her now, I think about the good times we shared yet remember the reasons why our relationship wasn’t working. I can see that my “need” to have her back was more due to being alone and missing the love and affection that we shared. There were things in our relationship that wasn’t working for either of us, and we can now be free of those things.

PART TWO:

My only hope for her now is happiness, which I have said before. Though, I can see problems that could arise in her new relationship. I will only touch on them here to help me stop thinking about them.

This new guy is in a cover band and makes his living playing shows 2 or 3 nights during the weekends. I’m not sure how long he has been doing this , but I think quite a while and he is use to that lifestyle. When they get to see each other, it is when her daughter is off with daddy out west. Being with her when she doesn’t have that responsibility is a whole other thing then what will come if they stay together.

It was hard for me to go from being single and having little responsibility, to living with a child daily. Many things change and not knowing what to expect makes those changes more difficult. There will be no more sleeping in, and doing what ever you want. The person you started dating won’t be able to do those things anymore. Going out and drinking every weekend for his “job” will most likely put stress on their relationship. We very seldom got to go out in our relationship, and drinking started to mean not “getting any”. If he did stop drinking for their relationship, (which I have reason to believe he is “sober and hating it”) I don’t see that lasting long. I could foresee him having a few drinks one night and to avoid conflict, lying about it. This she would not tolerate, and find it hard to trust him ever again. Would he still be pining over those waitresses he so adored? She finds it hard to be trusting, having a man that went out every weekend, sometimes out of town, will prove difficult.

Researching a little on a comment I made on another bloggers post, I found myself reading about love addiction. I found several articles and symptoms of “Love Addiction dependence”. I can see that both her and I could actually fall into that category. Some of the symptoms: 1) inability to trust in relationships- point for both of us. 2) Takes on identity of other person- point for her (although having slight vegetarian tendencies before, she’s trying to be vegan “why?” he is!) 3) Replaces ended relationships quickly- three strikes. Also, there are other things from her past that lead to “love addiction” which I won’t go into.

That is just a little bit of insight I have into their relationship. I hope that I am wrong. I hope she can find true happiness. I just hate to think that she could have her heart broken again. (I’m sure I will too, though.) I still think she is in the relationship for the wrong reason, but it is not my place to say anything to her about it. With this off my chest I can move forward knowing that I did what I could and the rest is yet to be known.

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In memoriam.

June 9, 2007 at 7:37 pm (grand gesture, hope, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, Music, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Song lyrics)

Miss me a little…but not too long

and not with your head bowed low

Remember the love

that we once shared

Miss me…but let me go

I’ve let her go. I haven’t contacted her since I told her about this blog, and will not contact her again. I’m moving on just fine. It would be pointless to hold on to something that isn’t going to happen. I’ve been going out and meeting new people. I kissed someone last weekend. Nothing more happened, but I’m making small steps. I’m not planning on forming any serious relationships with anyone anytime soon. I’ll be honest with the people I do date and let them know where I stand. I’ve grown up and moved past having sex just for the sake of my own pleasure. I really just need to find people in this city to hang out with. Make life a little less boring.

I’m taking my own advice and putting my energy into other things. I’ll still write here in this blog because I find it to be therapeutic. Putting my thoughts into words makes them concrete. When I write out the thoughts that I’m feeling I can stop thinking about them. Believe me, I’ve been doing way to much thinking. When I think about her I try to think about the good times we had. It doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it does put a smile on my face. Thinking about the sadness and loss that I feel, does not.

I am looking after my brothers pets this weekend. He lives in the suburb where her mother lives and I took the dog to the Arboretum that her and I used to go to. I had lots of good memories of the place. Taking pictures there, catching tadpoles with her daughter, and spinning on the merry-go-round were a few of my favorites. The merry-go-round is gone now, the tadpoles have sprouted legs and hopped away. Lots of great things go away, but the memories keep them where they belong.

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