Finishing touches on the grand gesture.
Well, I couldn’t sleep last night so I woke up early this morning and tossed and turned in bed until I decided I just had to get up. I had a small breakfast and walked about a mile or so to the post office. I arrived at 8 o’clock and found out they didn’t open until 8:30. I did see a guy with a big X bandage on the side of his head so I didn’t think waiting was a total waste.
When they finally opened, the postmaster told me they still didn’t have the new shipment of postcards. So I bought 50 – 26 cent stamps, and walked out like a kid leaving a candy store with a single tootsie roll. Walking back feeling a little dejected I came up with a back up plan. I stopped at the Art Store and got some watercolor paper and cut it down to 4×6 postcard size. I took them home and started writing the message on them for the person that finds the balloons when they land. It took me several hours just to do that. I had to go to a meeting so I had to stop production for a few hours. When I returned I finished writing out the messages and then painted hearts on the back of them. I also used a shoddy hole punch to make a place to tie the ribbon to them.
I have to work at 5 am tomorrow so after I get off I plan to check the forecast and wind direction. I’ll gather the cards and go to the grocery. I’ll buy 50 red balloons, then I will set them in flight. I’m not sure how I plan to videotape the launch while holding all them by myself. I’m not sure how long they will stay up and depending on wind speed how far they will travel. Since there is a possibility that no one will find them and actually send them to her I may be forced to drop the link here in an email to her. I feel that prolonging this gesture may ruin my chances of a positive reaction.
I am fully prepared for her to say that I have no chance at all. I will be a heartbroken all over again, but at least she’ll know that I do love her. I just hope that if she is going to allow someone else to win her affection that I should have an equal chance. Or at least a small fighting chance. After all that we have been through, and my pledge to change I hope that my feelings will not fall on deaf ears.
You can’t tell me I don’t love you.
You can tell me this is over. You can tell that you’re moving on. You can tell me that you’ve found someone else. You can tell this would never work. That I will never change. You can tell me to give up. You can tell me that you’ve given up on me, on us. You can tell me that I’m not worth it. You can tell me that you don’t love me. But…
You can’t tell me that I don’t love you. I do. I love you from the marrow in my bones, to the soft flesh that encompasses it all. I love you with all the energy that pulses from my core. I love everything about you. I love your eyes, your smile, your skin, your hair. I love the way you laugh, talk and write.
If only you would let me say it. Listen and believe me.
Love Love Love
King Saul fell on his sword
when it all went wrong
and Joseph’s brother sold him down the river
for a song
and Sonny Liston rubbed some tigerbalm
into his glove
some things you do for money
and some you do for love love love
Raskalnikov felt sick
but he couldn’t say why
when he saw his face reflected
in his victim’s twinkling eye
some things you do for money
and some you’ll do for fun
but the things you do for love
are gonna come back to you one by one
love love is gonna lead you by the hand
into a white and soundless place
now we see things
as in a mirror dimly
then we shall see each other
face to face
and way out in Seattle
young Kurt Cobain
snuck out to the greenhouse
put a bullet in his brain
snakes in the grass beneath our feet
rain in the clouds above
some moments last forever
and some flare out with love love love
John Darnielle ~The Mountain Goats
Album: Sunset Tree
When asked about this song in an interview on NPR John had this to say.
“the point of the song is we are very well damaged by the legacy of the romantic poet, that we think of love as a thing that is with strings and is this force for good and then if something bad happens thats not love…I don’t know so much about that, I don’t know that the Greeks weren’t right, I think that they were, that love can beat a path through everything, that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its objective which is just its expression of itself. You know my stepfather mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us and well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive is terrible damage, yet we talk about love as this benign comfortable force: it is wild.”
analyzing the song.
King Saul commits suicide in the books of Samuel in the bible.
Sonny Liston was said to use tiger balm when he was losing a fight to blind his opponent.
Raskalnikov was a character in crime and punishment.
For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. 1 Corinthians 13:12
I believe this song is about how love is a driving force in many things bad and good. Love isn’t some hunky dorey, warm, fuzzy force…it’s so powerful that it can destroy and cause harm in its expression, so to speak. People do horrible things all for love, say horrible things when they fear their love is betrayed. It kind of boils down to the song being about fate, and about how even in the horrible things that happen there is a force of love in the world, whatever we believe that force to be. It also gives the hope that someday we’ll understand what this force is and know why we went through those hard times on earth.
Unsent love letter
I just wrote a long unsent letter. All inspired by this.
Here are a few links to other thoughts on “Grand Gestures”
The “Grand Gesture”
eating insomnia, drinking daylight: The Grand Gesture
l.ementary: The “Grand Gesture”
Lastly, a Eulogy for the Grand Gesture.
Clearifying the gesture!
Okay, I guess its time to clear up a little misconception. It seems that a few readers are confused as to why I’m doing this. I’m not having trouble moving on, I’m not holding onto something that is lost. I’m certainly not depressed. I don’t need self help books on how to move on, and definitely do not need Prozac. I’m not even holding on to the hope that we will get back together. The one thing I hope to accomplish with this Grand Gesture, is to let the person know that I Love Her, and that it is not loneliness or desperation that I want her back. Its like a project to me. Something that I thought of, feel would be a beautiful thing, and want to do. I want to share my love with the world. I want to get the word out and spread love and encouragement to anyone, and everyone who feels this way, has felt this way, or has given up on chivalry and love. All is not lost, Love is alive and well. It lives in all of us.
Hope is not a strategy.
I suppose that hope suggests a need, and it suggests that something has not yet ended. To have hope is to believe for change, to believe for a better ending. I have been thinking a lot about hope because I have been reminded lately that I am a person in need of hope.
I believe that pain is universal, which is to say that all of us can relate to pain. We break and don’t fix easy. We break in different ways, at different times, for different reasons. We lose things. We get stuck in moments. We are slow to forgive, slow to change, slow to ask for help. We are slow to truly love people.
It is easy to talk about love. Easy to write blogs about it, easy to talk about on stages. Love, in that setting, is an idea, and ideas make for great conversations – inspiring even. It is another thing entirely to love people. I suppose it’s because ideas are more comfortable than actions. It is a much more challenging gig to be a person who loves other people.
Love is a choice. It is an action. It looks like this (however trite this is):
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
It is tempting to write these things as if I always have it all together, as if I am a person without need, a person who cares about pain but is not affected by it. The truth is that I am a person in need, a broken person, a person who fails, often. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go.
The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. The issues are personal and I suppose I’m writing just to say that we’re the same, and to share some things I’m learning.
Pain seems to scream. It asks for all of our attention. Pain suggests that we are only broken, that we are only all the things in us that ache. Certainly, we are responsible for our actions but “forgiveness” is a beautiful word. “Change” is a beautiful possibility. “Hope” and “rescue” are important words.
We are a people in need. We need so many different things: Friendship, love, conversation, medicine, encouragement, wisdom, hope. Whatever is broken, whatever your needs are, it’s okay to be honest about those things. It’s beyond okay, it is essential. Your heart, your life, your mind, these things are golden, priceless. Please be careful with them. And your friends, your family, the people you love, they are golden too. Please be careful with them. Consider your words and actions, the way they affect people.
We’ve been given dreams and gifts and talents and ideas, and there are people in our lives that we are called to love. Pain would like nothing more than to destroy all of it.
Each of us will have to fight for the things we call important – the things we hope for, the people we love. It will be a different sort of fight, one of patience and prayers, actions and choices and change. It will be a surgery of sorts, and we will need other people to go with us. It may sound difficult but there is much to be hopeful for.
I am learning to love other people, and I am learning to love myself.
Silencing the pain of lost love.
I’ve felt much better about the whole break up the last couple days. Fresh after it happened I was relieved, thinking I would be better off. I battled back and forth with whether it was right or not. I desperately wanted to be with her, but told myself it was the best for both of us. I wouldn’t be causing anymore stress in her life and my life would be much simpler. Peace would be restored. Many times I wanted to call her and get her back, one day I made a huge revelation and had to convince myself not to call. It wasn’t until I realized that I really could be losing her forever, that I decided I needed to let her know I love her. In hope that it would bring her back.
Its nice to have a constructive way to focus my energy. Instead of focusing on the longing and losing of a love. I can focus on my plan to tell her I love her, in a way that will not be forgotten whether she responds positively or not. I’ll know that I did make one last grand gesture to fight for love.
There isn’t a whole lot I can do today as far as setting this plan to action. The post office said it would be Friday or Monday before they would receive their shipment of postcards with the new rates. All I can really do is try to promote this blog to “tell the world” about my love, and my plans for The Grand Gesture. I hope to get as much attention to this as possible, not just the people that find the balloons. So if you are reading this and you like the idea, believe in love or just feel like helping out. Link to this blog. At least leave me a comment, or wish me luck so I know that you stopped by.
If you know of anyway to get the traffic to this blog it would help the cause. Part of making this gesture grand, is letting as many people know about it as possible. I’ve made a myspace profile as well. It’s myspace.com/grandgestureoflove. If you have an account, (like everyone else) please add me as a friend. I don’t have the time to add everyone, and don’t want to use some automatic friend generator. I have a bunch of ideas in my head about things to do, just need to implement them. Its raining right now so I can’t do much outside.
Planning and Researching The Grand Gesture
I’ve been thinking about doing this Grand Gesture for a few days now. I came up with the idea as a way to say “I love you” that would really show the whole of my feelings. It all sounded so good in my head. Easy enough, get some balloons and tie notes to them. Well, I started doing some research on pricing and thinking about how I could actually carry this plan to fruition.
First:
There is a lot more to it then just letting these notes go. In order for her to know what lengths I am going to, she must receive these love letters. “I’ll just put stamps on them in hopes that whoever finds them will mail them to her.” Well, the cost of postage just went up. I went to USPS.com and found that I can buy pre-paid post cards for .26 cents a piece, good much better then .41 cents per stamp. After a trip to the closest Post Office, I discovered that they have not received their first shipment since the price hike.
Next:
I knew that I had seen small tanks of helium in a retail store that I won’t mention. (Let them do their own evil corporation advertising.) I went to their website and found it to say: these are not available in stores, only online. At $50 bucks per tank, not including balloons I was struck with the next dilemma. Can I afford to do this. One tank is said to fill 50 balloons, and my “original” plan was to send up “99 luft balloons.” Thanks to Nena. Well, I may have to scale that back on the first run. (I plan to do it more then once. When money allows for more.) Good news, the Grocery next to my apt sells inflated balloons for .99 cents or $9.99 per dozen. Taking care of the ribbon and everything.
As, I read on another blog. It doesn’t necessarily take some huge display to say “I love you”. Though, in true movie fashion it should take time, money, or at least some sort of sacrifice to really mean something. That’s what makes it Grand. Cleaning the dishes, or picking up your clothes is a gesture in itself, but it would most likely go unnoticed.
So to do a little Mastercard style spoof:
50 postcards = $13
50 Balloons = $42
Saying = “I love you” in a way she’ll never forget.
PRICELESS.
Grand Gesture Of Love: the idea
I recently broke up with someone, think about her daily and can’t quite get over her. Contacting her directly doesn’t work out, I get too emotional and can’t quite say “I LOVE YOU” in a way that is profound enough. I decided that I needed some grand gesture to show her that I really do truly love her. I decided I would “shout it to the world” as they say.
Idea: I’m going to buy a small helium tank, a bunch of balloons and either postcards or small envelopes. I will write a small love letter on each card and address it to her complete with postage stamp. On each card I will put a place for recipient to write in date and location where it was found. I will then attach them to ribbon and a helium balloon. I will let them all go at the same time. My hope is that wherever the balloons land someone will find them and put the pre-stamped card into the mailbox to be sent to her. If it doesn’t convince her to come back to me, she will at least have proof of my love.
I decided I should document the whole process, and post it here and anywhere possible to show the world what love is.
