The next step.
It has been a couple months now since I broke up with my ex. Just over a month since I started this blog and set my Grand Gesture in motion. Part of me wishes I had carried out the full plan. But, it’s better that I didn’t. Knowing the way she feels and she’s moving on, it wouldn’t be right for her to receive the cards I was going to send via balloon mail over what could’ve been months.
I still think about her daily. I really wish I didn’t, I wish there was some way to quiet my mind. The worst part is when I sleep. I wake up several times throughout the night, which is not unusual. Its just now, when I wake up my first thoughts are typically about her. I stopped having as many dreams about her, with the exception of one a couple nights ago. Deep down in my subconscious I am still having trouble letting go of her. When I think about her during conscious thought, I try to remember why we broke up. The daily struggle that we went through, and the weekly fights. I try to think of ways that she wronged me, something to try and build a little healthy animosity just for the sake of getting past this. I can never really come up with anything solid.
I still focus on moving on. She is out living her life, I should build one for myself. It’s really hard because all I do is work, and don’t have any friends here. I have one place that I go, just to get out of the house. It is a poor place to go if I want to meet other single people. I just go because its better then sitting at home. I’m actually meeting someone there for a drink tomorrow. Someone that I’ve been “e-friends” with for sometime, but corresponded with very little. I’m not expecting a whole lot with this “meeting” as I’ll call it. I presume that as eager as she was to meet, she may have some hopes of romance. I don’t know for sure.
I am not going to allow myself to rush into anything at this point. It will be nice to meet someone new. Who knows, if she has a good personality and seems like a fun person, we may hang out more in the future. She’s offered to take me out to some “dive bars” if I’m lucky. I just don’t want to use anyone as a stop-gap method of over coming my heartbreak. Though, she could be a nice distraction. Anything to get my mind off of things for a while.
Two steps forward, one step back.
As soon as I say that I’m moving on and letting go, I get sucked back in the vortex for just a moment. A million hidden claws pulling my heart and mind in all directions. I had just decided it is best for me that I put my feelings behind me and move down the long, twisting, rocky road to recovery.
Within minutes of my last post, stating that I would not contact her again. I returned home from my brothers, and found an email waiting for me. It was from her, saying that she needed to come by and get some things her daughter needed. She wanted to come by when she knew I would be at work. I let her know when I would be away, yet offered that if she wanted to meet and be civil, it was an option. She was open to the idea of meeting sometime, but not when she was retrieving her things. That was a hard day. Knowing that she would be in “our” apartment, securing some belongings, really meant it was over.
She didn’t get much that day, and contacted me again to get more the next week. I offered times and said I would leave the house on a day I didn’t work if that would be better for her. She said yes, and the next day came by. I hadn’t gotten out of the house before she arrived. In fact I was walking out, as her and her daughter were walking in. It was so hard to see her. She looked different, I knew she lost weight, but she looked so thin. I realized later that I barely looked at her face and certainly couldn’t look her in the eye. My heart was racing, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I foolishly and sheepishly asked for a hug, which I was refused.
One night in between her two trips to the apartment, during a thunderstorm in the western regions of my mental health, I called and text messaged her. I let her know that it wasn’t about us, but I was having a hard night. She called me back and we talked for about 30 minutes or so. I tried my hardest not to talk about us, and only slipped once. She quickly told me it wasn’t my place and I apologized.
We eventually started talking about things in our lives, like two old friends. I found out that she was no longer taking the anti-depressants, and abstaining from alcohol. Which was not as much for the usual bad effects, but more because alcohol is hard on the immune system. It really meant a lot to me that she called me back at all, it showed she does still care about me as a person. Which further leads me to believe that her previous scornful demeanor was brought on by the meds.
This minor set back, calling her in a moment of need and having her respond better then during my previous moment of need (Which was much worse, because I felt betrayed and said horrible things.) was a positive thing. It allows me to move on easier knowing that not all is lost, and at least some future friendly relationship is possible. I was glad to hear that she is doing good and in a better place mentally. Medication has a way of numbing people and clouding their ability to think clearly and logically.
When I think about her now, I think about the good times we shared yet remember the reasons why our relationship wasn’t working. I can see that my “need” to have her back was more due to being alone and missing the love and affection that we shared. There were things in our relationship that wasn’t working for either of us, and we can now be free of those things.
PART TWO:
My only hope for her now is happiness, which I have said before. Though, I can see problems that could arise in her new relationship. I will only touch on them here to help me stop thinking about them.
This new guy is in a cover band and makes his living playing shows 2 or 3 nights during the weekends. I’m not sure how long he has been doing this , but I think quite a while and he is use to that lifestyle. When they get to see each other, it is when her daughter is off with daddy out west. Being with her when she doesn’t have that responsibility is a whole other thing then what will come if they stay together.
It was hard for me to go from being single and having little responsibility, to living with a child daily. Many things change and not knowing what to expect makes those changes more difficult. There will be no more sleeping in, and doing what ever you want. The person you started dating won’t be able to do those things anymore. Going out and drinking every weekend for his “job” will most likely put stress on their relationship. We very seldom got to go out in our relationship, and drinking started to mean not “getting any”. If he did stop drinking for their relationship, (which I have reason to believe he is “sober and hating it”) I don’t see that lasting long. I could foresee him having a few drinks one night and to avoid conflict, lying about it. This she would not tolerate, and find it hard to trust him ever again. Would he still be pining over those waitresses he so adored? She finds it hard to be trusting, having a man that went out every weekend, sometimes out of town, will prove difficult.
Researching a little on a comment I made on another bloggers post, I found myself reading about love addiction. I found several articles and symptoms of “Love Addiction dependence”. I can see that both her and I could actually fall into that category. Some of the symptoms: 1) inability to trust in relationships- point for both of us. 2) Takes on identity of other person- point for her (although having slight vegetarian tendencies before, she’s trying to be vegan “why?” he is!) 3) Replaces ended relationships quickly- three strikes. Also, there are other things from her past that lead to “love addiction” which I won’t go into.
That is just a little bit of insight I have into their relationship. I hope that I am wrong. I hope she can find true happiness. I just hate to think that she could have her heart broken again. (I’m sure I will too, though.) I still think she is in the relationship for the wrong reason, but it is not my place to say anything to her about it. With this off my chest I can move forward knowing that I did what I could and the rest is yet to be known.
In memoriam.
Miss me a little…but not too long
and not with your head bowed low
Remember the love
that we once shared
Miss me…but let me go
I’ve let her go. I haven’t contacted her since I told her about this blog, and will not contact her again. I’m moving on just fine. It would be pointless to hold on to something that isn’t going to happen. I’ve been going out and meeting new people. I kissed someone last weekend. Nothing more happened, but I’m making small steps. I’m not planning on forming any serious relationships with anyone anytime soon. I’ll be honest with the people I do date and let them know where I stand. I’ve grown up and moved past having sex just for the sake of my own pleasure. I really just need to find people in this city to hang out with. Make life a little less boring.
I’m taking my own advice and putting my energy into other things. I’ll still write here in this blog because I find it to be therapeutic. Putting my thoughts into words makes them concrete. When I write out the thoughts that I’m feeling I can stop thinking about them. Believe me, I’ve been doing way to much thinking. When I think about her I try to think about the good times we had. It doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it does put a smile on my face. Thinking about the sadness and loss that I feel, does not.
I am looking after my brothers pets this weekend. He lives in the suburb where her mother lives and I took the dog to the Arboretum that her and I used to go to. I had lots of good memories of the place. Taking pictures there, catching tadpoles with her daughter, and spinning on the merry-go-round were a few of my favorites. The merry-go-round is gone now, the tadpoles have sprouted legs and hopped away. Lots of great things go away, but the memories keep them where they belong.
Appealing to the voice of reason.
When dealing with situations in your life you have to decide where to focus your energy. How much time you are willing to put into certain aspects to determine your happiness. If you are going through a particularly rough time in your life it is best not to focus your energy on things that lead away from happiness or towards a false sense of happiness.
When coming out of a bad relationship, you first should focus on healing. You shouldn’t misplace feelings/energy of hurt or anger over a past relationship, into a new relationship to soon. If you have not fully recovered and healed from the prior relationship how are you ready to move on to a new one? How honest are you being with the new person? Can you truly say that you love them, or are you just using them to cover the wound of your broken heart? If they really want to have a relationship with you, they should be willing to allow you time to recover and not offer some veiled “love” to sweep you away from your pain. A loving person wouldn’t lull you into believing that they can save you from that pain. They are just taking advantage of your weakened state. They are not using “their awesome might to save you from a hopeless plight” they’re using your weakness against you. You tell me you can’t emotionally rescue me, but you allow him to do that to you.
You should focus your energy on getting your life turned around. Getting a career that you like and becoming self supporting. Going back to school to follow your dreams. Getting your daughter back after you felt forced to give her up just so she wouldn’t have to face your woes. Not relying on someone else to get you through the rough times. Putting you back into a situation where you are dependent on someone else to offer the things you can’t achieve on your own. If you allow that to happen you will one day find yourself in a situation just like the one you just got out of. Once again with nowhere to turn. If you get deeper in this second time, how easy will it be to get back out? You should slow down and think about these things before you jump head first into something you cannot be sure of.
I truly just want what is best for you, even if I’m not it. I’m not trying to keep them apart, I am just stating the way I feel. I’m speaking from the heart, not from the hurt.
One year ago, today.
I was looking through old email and I found this, as the first email I have saved from my ex. It was exactly one year ago today. I’m now the one that wishes I could just hear her voice. I believe it was written when her daughter was in the hospital after the bronchoscopy. Another bitter twist in life, I am interviewing next week for a job in the suburb where she lived when I met her. That is all I really have to say now.
I thought I'd sneak up here and send you a quick message. Maybe you will get it before you go to work. I miss you and can't wait to see you again. I'm glad we got to talk for a while last night. I'll call you tonight again...I don't care if we don't talk about anything, it's nice just to have you on the phone.
Love you, baby. Talk to you soon.
Que Sera Sera!
Someone posed the question. What happens now?
While art can imitate life, life does not always imitate art. In movies when some guy loses a girl and makes some grand gesture to get her back, she always says yes. Then the movie ends and you never know what happened next. You are led to believe that they lived happily ever after.
In my case the girl said no. My heart still wants what it wants, but to continue would not make me the more loving person. I read somewhere that “when a man really wants something nothing will hold him back.” Well I know that persisting with this would just drive a bigger wedge between us.
When I tried to send her what I feel was love, hope, compassion and understanding, she replied with anger, hatred, and contempt. She once quoted someone else “Working up a callous to people you used to treasure takes energy I can’t spare.” Well she has found that energy. Whether I empowered her with horrible things I said, (when I felt she chose something else when I was at my lowest begging her to talk to me) she gets energy from the new “love” she has found, or its the medication she is on. Which starting that is when her suffering from loss started to turn to resentment.
I attribute her anger and hatred to the things I said since she kept throwing that in my face. That was when she told me I didn’t love her. “If it were about me and your love for me, you wouldn’t have been able to say the ugly things to me that you did.” Well I know that she certainly said some unloving things to me in our relationship, when I couldn’t say such things back. I hold none of that against her. I am now the one that cannot muster the energy to work up a callous toward her. When someone couldn’t understand how she could say such mean things to me when I told her of this plan, I defended her. I hold her feelings very dear to me, and want only happiness for her even if she doesn’t care about my feelings and tries to hurt me.
I feel at this point I am being the more loving, understanding person. I am letting her go, letting her try to find a happiness that I could not supply. She once told me “Its like I was standing over a well, teetering on the edge, and you just pushed me into it.” In the end I was the one standing over the well, and she put rocks in my pockets, bound my hands, and kicked me in. I have no idea what will ever become of this. She still has stuff at my apartment. I hope that one day she will be able to look past her hatred and see all the loving things I have done for her in the past. I will never forget her and she’ll always have a place in my heart. I hope to one day be friends and be able to be civil to one another. But for now, I just have to let it be and any time I think of her, think about the good times that we had through all the hardship that we faced.
The Grand Finale
I came to the realization yesterday that sending out the balloon couriered love letters would not be a nice thing to do if the one I love didn’t want to talk to me. It would be out right mean to have letters sent to her over what could be months. Sort of like stalking someone by mail. So last night I sent a message to my ex from the myspace page, that I created to help spread the word about this blog. It was simple yet not forth right. It didn’t state that it was me. So Awakening at 4:45 I had an epiphany. If I’m trying to turn over the leaf of honesty with her, it wasn’t fair to mislead her. I sent another email letting her know it was my blog so she could be better prepared to read what I have written.
She asked me to stop this immediately. She mistook what I thought was a great way to say I’m sorry for what I said, and I do in fact love her, as being transparent and “reaching into a bag marked ’straws’ during fits of desperation and pulling out attempts to rectify the badness I feel.” She maintains that my feelings have nothing to do with her, and that I was assigning power to her for the way I feel. She states that I was unfairly placing responsibility on her, that it was is no way romantic and not love on my part. She then signed off basically saying that she doesn’t care about my feelings or balloons.
This is partially right. I admit that I feel bad, and that I made a mistake. I made one in letting her go, and one in a fit of passion after realizing my mistake and fear that I was losing her for good. I merely wanted to apologize and tell her that I was now willing to do all the things we talked about doing to salvage our relationship. From going to counseling, parenting classes, always being honest, to stopping other actions that caused her pain. I wanted to make a situation where I went wrong, right. I was doing this out of love, as she told me “the heart wants what it wants.” And my heart wants to make her happy. It is obviously to little to late.
The big difference here is that I still care about her feelings. I can see that by continuing this is I am just causing her more pain. I ended our relationship, because I saw that I was causing her such pain, and it was the easiest way to end that. I feel that her anger towards me now, is justified by that pain I caused her in our relationship and what I said the night I panicked. Which she threw in my face in both emails I received from her. In her second email she confirmed to me that she was in fact seeing the guy I thought she was. And that they were planning on getting married. Which she always said she would never do again, she also said that she had no interest in dating this guy. I hold no animosity for that lie, we are all human. We will have interest in others even if we are with someone else, as long as we don’t act on those interests while we are with that person, we are not wrong.
A big part of me says she only said that to twist the knife I already feel in my heart. After all, she doesn’t care about my feelings and I give her the right to hurt mine, in return for me being careless with hers. If they are really planning on getting married, I kind of feel sorry for her. She is using this new relationship, and the bliss that is every new relationship as a stop gap method. From what I know of this guy, he is someone who needs someone, they both are I suppose. He has been in the shitter, ever since his last girlfriend ‘broke his heart’. I would hate for them to make a permanent mistake just to stave off the fear of being alone. Due to the fact that I do still care about her and her feelings, I will never stand in her way in her quest for happiness. So I told her that, and wished her the best of luck. I also hope that I am wrong. If she is planning that I hope it is for the right reasons. I hope she is happy and continues to be happy. She deserves it.
I have completed what I set out to do. I have said “I’m sorry” and tried to convey my love to someone I lost. I can do nothing about the fact that she refuses to believe me. Now I can move on with my life, knowing that I made the last ditch effort. I have fought for love, and I have lost. This time. The most important thing to walk away from a bad situation with, is a lesson. I have learned that when I find something worth it in the future, if I really want it, I should fight for it before it is too late. She was worth fighting for, but I must now give up. For love of myself, and her.
Post script: Not that any of you faceless strangers are concerned. But I couldn’t be happier right now. I’ve let go.
Fortunes.
I just got a fortune cookie that said. “Someone you care about seeks reconciliation.”
For you.
After completing the final steps last night, I was completely prepared to buy the courier balloons today and set the Grand Gesture in full affect.
One of my first thoughts waking up at the ass crack of dawn was. “She’s moving on, let her go.” Since this is the grand gesture of love, how loving would I be if I tried to prevent her from moving on. Although, the ultimate goal of this gesture is merely to let her know that I love her, that I am sorry for the things I said the last time I spoke to her, and anytime that I have treated her less then fair. I do hold on to some hope that I will be given a chance to repair the mistakes I made. After all, guilt is wishing you could change something that happened. I would never want to hold her back from finding true happiness, I just don’t want to end up regretting years down the road that I didn’t give this everything I possibly could. If I fail I can go on knowing that I tried.
If she decides that I don’t deserve another chance. (Which I can’t disagree with.) I just wish that she would speak with me directly and let me say what is in my heart. I have a gesture to make. One of love, hope, and desire.
So, if you are reading this and feel ready to talk to me, please let me know. I promise that I only have your best interests in mind.
