Grand Gesture Of Love

Here is the email I received from her after (the previous blog entry) that I sent her.

"With the exception of being bored and having no one to talk to I'm perfectly happy with my life right now."

I get the distinct impression that very statement is what motivates you to reach out and contact me as many times as you have.

I also think that last part of the sentence is disingenuous, otherwise you wouldn't be so focused on communication between us at this time. No one is ever "perfectly happy" with their lives, no matter how great things are.

Look...I can't for the life of me understand why two people who were so severely miserable with one another and who ended on the horrible terms that we did would want to maintain any kind of relationship? Your persistence baffles me.

I don't mind the occasional checking in, hi, how are you, etc.--which I've seemed to be doing...but apparently that's not enough for you. So, ______, I ask you: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? Because your emails tend to circle around and around again without ever reaching a point, without ever saying whatever it is you are REALLY trying to say.

I told you that I'm happy (not "perfectly happy," or the kind of happy which one feels the need to embelish for an ex's benefit, but just genuinely happy and serene for once), and my life is moving in a positive direction. These are the answers you've been claiming you want to know, and yet...you aren't satisfied and you keep acting like I'm not fulfilling some expectation you have.

We failed as a couple on a scale previously inconceivable to me, so I'm just gonna take a shot in the dark here when I say, that probably means we don't work as friends either. I don't want to be friends and communication with you is turning out to be somewhat of a thorn in my side.

Well, with that said. Its just like her to pick one sentence, one thing I said, to tear apart. True, I am not “perfectly happy” with life right now. I gave a few exceptions, being bored, having no friends or anyone to talk to, and I also said things could be better. Of course she would choose an “absolute” (the word perfectly) that I mistakenly said, to throw in my face. “You’re not happy and here is why”.

I have to say, there are many things about her that baffle me and I can’t for the life of me figure out. If she was truly “severely miserable” in our relationship, then why did she stay in it? Why did she try to convince me that she wanted to work on our problems? Was it only because I took care of her and the alternative was less appealing? Having to move back in with her mom and support herself, as opposed to having me pay for housing, electricity, and food, so she could spend her child support and child’s social security on shoes and clothes for herself.

It doesn’t matter what I want from her, she is unwilling to give anything. When it comes to what I “WANT” well I would really like to know that all the times she said she loved me, all the little notes, when she said our breakup was harder then finding out her daughter may die, wasn’t all a lie. She said that it was hard because I was the first person she ever really loved. Well if that is true, then how can she treat me the way she does? I would like to feel that she wasn’t just using me, until I had nothing left to offer, and then throwing me aside. I think that is exactly what she did with the friends that gave us a place to stay, when we moved across country.

Thats another thing, (I’ll allow some animosity to flow here) shortly after we got together, she was forced to quit her job to take care of her ailing 4 (now 5) year old. She moved in with her mother and step-dad for the time being. I was the one who saved my money and moved us across country. Then brought her back to the place I hated being, and stayed here for her. I got us an apartment, which she convinced me she would help pay for with child support, social security and donated money.

The only bill she paid on, which she made the “self fulfilling prophecy” that it would be the demise of our relationship, was the internet. Anything I did online that she didn’t agree with, was canceled out by her maintaining the relationship with the guy she ran to, as soon as ours was over. She also maintained an internet relationship with someone else (even after she admitted she had no use for it) just because he gave her money when she needed some help. Not to mention someone she had a fling with while his girlfriend lived somewhere else. All of these things, I allowed, because I believed her and trusted her, which she couldn’t do for me.

Besides financially supporting her, I was also there for her through what was quite possibly the hardest time in her life. I was the one by her side every step of the way, seeing her through her daughter’s heart transplant. I was there for her daughter even when her father was not. Only leaving them long enough to work, I stayed with her on countless nights in the hospital. Losing sleep, and going back to work exhausted. She claimed it meant a lot to her, that I would always be a part of their life. I “want” to feel like she would stand by that, that she really meant what she said. Not that I feel she is indebted to me, but because I fell in love with both of them. They are like family to me, and I can’t just let that go.

She found a little poem that said “If equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me”. Well I think that I have more then proven, that I am the more loving one. I do not hold anything against her, and I didn’t hold things against her in our relationship. Yes, I would like it if we could keep contact with each other. It is the one thing I can’t let go of, no matter how hard I try to convince myself I’m better off not caring, I still do. As it is apparent, she is much happier pretending I don’t exist. Although, other people have done far less for her then I, they get some kind of preferential treatment that I don’t deserve. So no I’m not “perfectly happy”, though in many ways I’m happier then I was with her, and if that is truly who she is, I really am better off.

I recently sent her an email asking how things were going, saying that I was just concerned. She said she understood my concern and that everything was fine with her daughter and she’d let me know if anything went wrong. So I sent her an email back saying I would hope for more then just updates if something went wrong and I hope that we could get to a point where we could be friends.

In all honesty, I’m not actually looking to be “friends” with her right now . Not in the sense that we meet and share all facets of life with each other or even speak regularly. I just hope to be more then a third class person whose only concern between us is with the health of her daughter. Although, that is most important and her happiness should no longer be a concern of mine. I can’t help but care and show my concern for someone I spent so many days sharing my life with, talking to daily. Just because things went wrong and our relationship is over, I cannot pretend that it didn’t happen and wasn’t good while it lasted.

It lasted around 13 months, estimated around 400 days. On any given day in our relationship no matter what trials we faced or fights that we had, there was a least one moment that everything in life was absolutely perfect. Whether the moment was a look that we exchanged, seeing her smile, the slightest touch or a long embrace, or making love, nothing would have made life more perfect at that moment. Many days had more then one moment, some days the moments lasted all day, even the worst day had one or more. Some of those moments no matter how insignificant at the time, etched memories that will last a lifetime. It’s unfortunate that we will never have moments like that together ever again. We will have them again, with other people or just by ourself. I for one cannot allow a rocky break up, any amount of vehement pain, anger or harsh words negate all those perfect moments. I will hold onto them, as I search for more moments like them.

I want her to be as happy as possible, if that happiness comes at the price of never speaking to her again, or just waiting until she can handle speaking to me. Then so be it. I’m not going to press the issue or expect her to respond to me, just because I write her. I would really just like to keep some form of open communication, more then just hearing if something goes wrong. With the exception of being bored and having no one to talk to, I’m perfectly happy with my life right now. Things could be better, but they have been a lot worse in the last month or two and several other times in my life. I’m getting along just fine and finding happiness daily, I would just like to know that she is doing the same. If it is too hard for her to keep an open form of communication, or just telling me how she is feeling, then I will stop. I’ll let her decide when it is right for us to speak again, I just can’t put the ‘concern’ I feel aside.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

Main Entry: epiph·a·ny
Pronunciation: i-'pi-f&-nE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -nies
Etymology: Middle English epiphanie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin epiphania, from Late Greek, plural, probably alteration of Greek epiphaneia appearance, manifestation, from epiphainein to manifest, from epi- + phainein to show

3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment

I’ve had several epiphanies in my life. Many of them while just waking up. Like I did with the grand gesture, or like I said in the last post. When I wake up I think of her first. Something I wish I could have done more of in our relationship. Recently, I had an epiphany in the middle of the day. Standing out on my balcony, where I usually think of her most, smoking a hand rolled cigarette, a Butterfly kissed me on the forehead. It then circled around me and landed on a leaf, close by. It spread out its wings and I saw little skewed happy faces on them. Later I saw that, and another butterfly chasing each other around. Today while on my balcony a caterpillar crawled its way towards me. It stopped just before me and ended up turning around.

I took this to be, the offspring of the butterfly ripples in the universe. This green fuzzy worm made its way to me, made its presence known and walked away. Watching this all in front of me, I had an epiphany. I’m not missing out on very much, not being with her. The most important thing I would really miss out if I was still with her is: LIFE. Don’t get me wrong she made even the most intolerable things in life, great. All by stroking my hair and letting me know she cared. The things I miss the most are: Love, affection (human touch) and someone to talk about or share my daily life with. I could easily find someone to provide that.

Even if I hold every future relationship, to the standard that she set. I could not settle for anything less then her, looks, intelligence, personality, and ability to inspire me to be a better person. I will not pursue someone that can’t hold to up to those standards.

If I meet someone who can achieve those standards, then, in all likely hood ’said person’ will exceed where she did not. They will be able to offer what she couldn’t. Freedom, the ability to go out when I wanted, eat ice cream or , sleep late any day I want. In the apartment that I pay for none the less. It sucks to pay for something that you have to abide by others rules.

Realizing once again, why I ended our relationship it was much easier. I couldn’t see it for a while because I was focused on what I was losing. What she ’seemed’ to offer. I now see that I couldn’t have this happiness and be with her. She was a fairly equal replacement for what I felt I was missing, though I must say that any replacement would have to be pretty outstanding. Though It can be done. In the meantime I’m not missing out.

The only hard part is, that I still live alone and know very few people. Even if I’m meeting new people its no one I care to ‘try for’. I’m not even looking for that now. I still care about her and I’m truly, completely, genuinely happy if she has found happiness. The only thing left for me to do is live life. I just need to remake a life for myself, away from home, here.  Like I tried with her.