The Grand Finale

June 2, 2007 at 6:15 am (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, reconnecting, romance) (, , , , , , , , , , )

I came to the realization yesterday that sending out the balloon couriered love letters would not be a nice thing to do if the one I love didn’t want to talk to me. It would be out right mean to have letters sent to her over what could be months. Sort of like stalking someone by mail. So last night I sent a message to my ex from the myspace page, that I created to help spread the word about this blog. It was simple yet not forth right. It didn’t state that it was me. So Awakening at 4:45 I had an epiphany. If I’m trying to turn over the leaf of honesty with her, it wasn’t fair to mislead her. I sent another email letting her know it was my blog so she could be better prepared to read what I have written.

She asked me to stop this immediately. She mistook what I thought was a great way to say I’m sorry for what I said, and I do in fact love her, as being transparent and “reaching into a bag marked ‘straws’ during fits of desperation and pulling out attempts to rectify the badness I feel.” She maintains that my feelings have nothing to do with her, and that I was assigning power to her for the way I feel. She states that I was unfairly placing responsibility on her, that it was is no way romantic and not love on my part. She then signed off basically saying that she doesn’t care about my feelings or balloons.

This is partially right. I admit that I feel bad, and that I made a mistake. I made one in letting her go, and one in a fit of passion after realizing my mistake and fear that I was losing her for good. I merely wanted to apologize and tell her that I was now willing to do all the things we talked about doing to salvage our relationship. From going to counseling, parenting classes, always being honest, to stopping other actions that caused her pain. I wanted to make a situation where I went wrong, right. I was doing this out of love, as she told me “the heart wants what it wants.” And my heart wants to make her happy. It is obviously to little to late.

The big difference here is that I still care about her feelings. I can see that by continuing this is I am just causing her more pain. I ended our relationship, because I saw that I was causing her such pain, and it was the easiest way to end that. I feel that her anger towards me now, is justified by that pain I caused her in our relationship and what I said the night I panicked. Which she threw in my face in both emails I received from her. In her second email she confirmed to me that she was in fact seeing the guy I thought she was. And that they were planning on getting married. Which she always said she would never do again, she also said that she had no interest in dating this guy. I hold no animosity for that lie, we are all human. We will have interest in others even if we are with someone else, as long as we don’t act on those interests while we are with that person, we are not wrong.

A big part of me says she only said that to twist the knife I already feel in my heart. After all, she doesn’t care about my feelings and I give her the right to hurt mine, in return for me being careless with hers. If they are really planning on getting married, I kind of feel sorry for her. She is using this new relationship, and the bliss that is every new relationship as a stop gap method. From what I know of this guy, he is someone who needs someone, they both are I suppose. He has been in the shitter, ever since his last girlfriend ‘broke his heart’. I would hate for them to make a permanent mistake just to stave off the fear of being alone. Due to the fact that I do still care about her and her feelings, I will never stand in her way in her quest for happiness. So I told her that, and wished her the best of luck. I also hope that I am wrong. If she is planning that I hope it is for the right reasons. I hope she is happy and continues to be happy. She deserves it.

I have completed what I set out to do. I have said “I’m sorry” and tried to convey my love to someone I lost. I can do nothing about the fact that she refuses to believe me. Now I can move on with my life, knowing that I made the last ditch effort. I have fought for love, and I have lost. This time. The most important thing to walk away from a bad situation with, is a lesson. I have learned that when I find something worth it in the future, if I really want it, I should fight for it before it is too late. She was worth fighting for, but I must now give up. For love of myself, and her.

Post script: Not that any of you faceless strangers are concerned. But I couldn’t be happier right now. I’ve let go.

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1 Comment

  1. krkbaker said,

    What happens now?

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