Que Sera Sera!

June 5, 2007 at 2:28 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, reconnecting, romance)

Someone posed the question. What happens now?

While art can imitate life, life does not always imitate art. In movies when some guy loses a girl and makes some grand gesture to get her back, she always says yes. Then the movie ends and you never know what happened next. You are led to believe that they lived happily ever after.

In my case the girl said no. My heart still wants what it wants, but to continue would not make me the more loving person. I read somewhere that “when a man really wants something nothing will hold him back.” Well I know that persisting with this would just drive a bigger wedge between us.

When I tried to send her what I feel was love, hope, compassion and understanding, she replied with anger, hatred, and contempt. She once quoted someone else “Working up a callous to people you used to treasure takes energy I can’t spare.” Well she has found that energy. Whether I empowered her with horrible things I said, (when I felt she chose something else when I was at my lowest begging her to talk to me) she gets energy from the new “love” she has found, or its the medication she is on. Which starting that is when her suffering from loss started to turn to resentment.

I attribute her anger and hatred to the things I said since she kept throwing that in my face. That was when she told me I didn’t love her. “If it were about me and your love for me, you wouldn’t have been able to say the ugly things to me that you did.” Well I know that she certainly said some unloving things to me in our relationship, when I couldn’t say such things back. I hold none of that against her. I am now the one that cannot muster the energy to work up a callous toward her. When someone couldn’t understand how she could say such mean things to me when I told her of this plan, I defended her. I hold her feelings very dear to me, and want only happiness for her even if she doesn’t care about my feelings and tries to hurt me.

I feel at this point I am being the more loving, understanding person. I am letting her go, letting her try to find a happiness that I could not supply. She once told me “Its like I was standing over a well, teetering on the edge, and you just pushed me into it.” In the end I was the one standing over the well, and she put rocks in my pockets, bound my hands, and kicked me in. I have no idea what will ever become of this. She still has stuff at my apartment. I hope that one day she will be able to look past her hatred and see all the loving things I have done for her in the past. I will never forget her and she’ll always have a place in my heart. I hope to one day be friends and be able to be civil to one another. But for now, I just have to let it be and any time I think of her, think about the good times that we had through all the hardship that we faced.


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