Two steps forward, one step back.

June 22, 2007 at 5:32 am (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love addiction dependence, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance, Song lyrics)

As soon as I say that I’m moving on and letting go, I get sucked back in the vortex for just a moment. A million hidden claws pulling my heart and mind in all directions. I had just decided it is best for me that I put my feelings behind me and move down the long, twisting, rocky road to recovery.

Within minutes of my last post, stating that I would not contact her again. I returned home from my brothers, and found an email waiting for me. It was from her, saying that she needed to come by and get some things her daughter needed. She wanted to come by when she knew I would be at work. I let her know when I would be away, yet offered that if she wanted to meet and be civil, it was an option. She was open to the idea of meeting sometime, but not when she was retrieving her things. That was a hard day. Knowing that she would be in “our” apartment, securing some belongings, really meant it was over.

She didn’t get much that day, and contacted me again to get more the next week. I offered times and said I would leave the house on a day I didn’t work if that would be better for her. She said yes, and the next day came by. I hadn’t gotten out of the house before she arrived. In fact I was walking out, as her and her daughter were walking in. It was so hard to see her. She looked different, I knew she lost weight, but she looked so thin. I realized later that I barely looked at her face and certainly couldn’t look her in the eye. My heart was racing, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I foolishly and sheepishly asked for a hug, which I was refused.

One night in between her two trips to the apartment, during a thunderstorm in the western regions of my mental health, I called and text messaged her. I let her know that it wasn’t about us, but I was having a hard night. She called me back and we talked for about 30 minutes or so. I tried my hardest not to talk about us, and only slipped once. She quickly told me it wasn’t my place and I apologized.

We eventually started talking about things in our lives, like two old friends. I found out that she was no longer taking the anti-depressants, and abstaining from alcohol. Which was not as much for the usual bad effects, but more because alcohol is hard on the immune system. It really meant a lot to me that she called me back at all, it showed she does still care about me as a person. Which further leads me to believe that her previous scornful demeanor was brought on by the meds.

This minor set back, calling her in a moment of need and having her respond better then during my previous moment of need (Which was much worse, because I felt betrayed and said horrible things.) was a positive thing. It allows me to move on easier knowing that not all is lost, and at least some future friendly relationship is possible. I was glad to hear that she is doing good and in a better place mentally. Medication has a way of numbing people and clouding their ability to think clearly and logically.

When I think about her now, I think about the good times we shared yet remember the reasons why our relationship wasn’t working. I can see that my “need” to have her back was more due to being alone and missing the love and affection that we shared. There were things in our relationship that wasn’t working for either of us, and we can now be free of those things.

PART TWO:

My only hope for her now is happiness, which I have said before. Though, I can see problems that could arise in her new relationship. I will only touch on them here to help me stop thinking about them.

This new guy is in a cover band and makes his living playing shows 2 or 3 nights during the weekends. I’m not sure how long he has been doing this , but I think quite a while and he is use to that lifestyle. When they get to see each other, it is when her daughter is off with daddy out west. Being with her when she doesn’t have that responsibility is a whole other thing then what will come if they stay together.

It was hard for me to go from being single and having little responsibility, to living with a child daily. Many things change and not knowing what to expect makes those changes more difficult. There will be no more sleeping in, and doing what ever you want. The person you started dating won’t be able to do those things anymore. Going out and drinking every weekend for his “job” will most likely put stress on their relationship. We very seldom got to go out in our relationship, and drinking started to mean not “getting any”. If he did stop drinking for their relationship, (which I have reason to believe he is “sober and hating it”) I don’t see that lasting long. I could foresee him having a few drinks one night and to avoid conflict, lying about it. This she would not tolerate, and find it hard to trust him ever again. Would he still be pining over those waitresses he so adored? She finds it hard to be trusting, having a man that went out every weekend, sometimes out of town, will prove difficult.

Researching a little on a comment I made on another bloggers post, I found myself reading about love addiction. I found several articles and symptoms of “Love Addiction dependence”. I can see that both her and I could actually fall into that category. Some of the symptoms: 1) inability to trust in relationships- point for both of us. 2) Takes on identity of other person- point for her (although having slight vegetarian tendencies before, she’s trying to be vegan “why?” he is!) 3) Replaces ended relationships quickly- three strikes. Also, there are other things from her past that lead to “love addiction” which I won’t go into.

That is just a little bit of insight I have into their relationship. I hope that I am wrong. I hope she can find true happiness. I just hate to think that she could have her heart broken again. (I’m sure I will too, though.) I still think she is in the relationship for the wrong reason, but it is not my place to say anything to her about it. With this off my chest I can move forward knowing that I did what I could and the rest is yet to be known.

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2 Comments

  1. Ed said,

    Hello

    From what I’ve gathered, it seems that you spend much time “what if’ing.” In some respects this can be good, you’re questioning and reflecting what’s happened, but don’t obsess with it especially where this concerns your wife.
    A little reflection is good but don’t get over-emotional.
    Your wife is mature enough now, and she can and has made her own decisions, and she’ll continue to do so with or without you in her life. What this means that whether you worry or not, she’s still going to be making those decisions and probably making more mistakes (hopefully less though).
    Mistakes are in fact good for you. Don’t see them as these things which get you down and depressed. They exist to teach you things and the only folly is to not learning from them. Go through life learning from your mishaps and failures, promise yourself that you won’t repeat that same mistake, and then proceed the wiser.

  2. grandgestureoflove said,

    You are right, though if you had read more then just this post, you’d know that it is my ex-girlfriend not my ex-wife. I have stated in previous posts that I am learning from my mistakes. I know mistakes are good, I in fact said previously that the most important part of any mistake is walking away with a lesson learned, just as you say. I was, but am no longer obsessing over this. I continue to write here, as a way for me to organize my thoughts into one concrete place and move on.
    She will continue to make her mistakes, as will I. She will do so without me in her life, I know this. The only reason I still concern myself with her life is because I still care about her greatly. I will always care about her happiness, but it won’t be as important down the road. Probably, until I find more happiness then I currently have, though I’m becoming more content everyday. Other then that thanks for reading.

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