Epiphany/ Butterfly kisses.

July 1, 2007 at 3:13 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

Main Entry: epiph·a·ny
Pronunciation: i-'pi-f&-nE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -nies
Etymology: Middle English epiphanie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin epiphania, from Late Greek, plural, probably alteration of Greek epiphaneia appearance, manifestation, from epiphainein to manifest, from epi- + phainein to show

3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment

I’ve had several epiphanies in my life. Many of them while just waking up. Like I did with the grand gesture, or like I said in the last post. When I wake up I think of her first. Something I wish I could have done more of in our relationship. Recently, I had an epiphany in the middle of the day. Standing out on my balcony, where I usually think of her most, smoking a hand rolled cigarette, a Butterfly kissed me on the forehead. It then circled around me and landed on a leaf, close by. It spread out its wings and I saw little skewed happy faces on them. Later I saw that, and another butterfly chasing each other around. Today while on my balcony a caterpillar crawled its way towards me. It stopped just before me and ended up turning around.

I took this to be, the offspring of the butterfly ripples in the universe. This green fuzzy worm made its way to me, made its presence known and walked away. Watching this all in front of me, I had an epiphany. I’m not missing out on very much, not being with her. The most important thing I would really miss out if I was still with her is: LIFE. Don’t get me wrong she made even the most intolerable things in life, great. All by stroking my hair and letting me know she cared. The things I miss the most are: Love, affection (human touch) and someone to talk about or share my daily life with. I could easily find someone to provide that.

Even if I hold every future relationship, to the standard that she set. I could not settle for anything less then her, looks, intelligence, personality, and ability to inspire me to be a better person. I will not pursue someone that can’t hold to up to those standards.

If I meet someone who can achieve those standards, then, in all likely hood ‘said person’ will exceed where she did not. They will be able to offer what she couldn’t. Freedom, the ability to go out when I wanted, eat ice cream or , sleep late any day I want. In the apartment that I pay for none the less. It sucks to pay for something that you have to abide by others rules.

Realizing once again, why I ended our relationship it was much easier. I couldn’t see it for a while because I was focused on what I was losing. What she ‘seemed’ to offer. I now see that I couldn’t have this happiness and be with her. She was a fairly equal replacement for what I felt I was missing, though I must say that any replacement would have to be pretty outstanding. Though It can be done. In the meantime I’m not missing out.

The only hard part is, that I still live alone and know very few people. Even if I’m meeting new people its no one I care to ‘try for’. I’m not even looking for that now. I still care about her and I’m truly, completely, genuinely happy if she has found happiness. The only thing left for me to do is live life. I just need to remake a life for myself, away from home, here.  Like I tried with her.


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