To me, from her, friend is a four letter word.

July 10, 2007 at 12:08 pm (grand gesture, hope, inspired by, Love, love letters, love relationships dating, personal, Poetry, reconnecting, romance)

Here is the email I received from her after (the previous blog entry) that I sent her.

"With the exception of being bored and having no one to talk to I'm perfectly happy with my life right now."

I get the distinct impression that very statement is what motivates you to reach out and contact me as many times as you have.

I also think that last part of the sentence is disingenuous, otherwise you wouldn't be so focused on communication between us at this time. No one is ever "perfectly happy" with their lives, no matter how great things are.

Look...I can't for the life of me understand why two people who were so severely miserable with one another and who ended on the horrible terms that we did would want to maintain any kind of relationship? Your persistence baffles me.

I don't mind the occasional checking in, hi, how are you, etc.--which I've seemed to be doing...but apparently that's not enough for you. So, ______, I ask you: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? Because your emails tend to circle around and around again without ever reaching a point, without ever saying whatever it is you are REALLY trying to say.

I told you that I'm happy (not "perfectly happy," or the kind of happy which one feels the need to embelish for an ex's benefit, but just genuinely happy and serene for once), and my life is moving in a positive direction. These are the answers you've been claiming you want to know, and yet...you aren't satisfied and you keep acting like I'm not fulfilling some expectation you have.

We failed as a couple on a scale previously inconceivable to me, so I'm just gonna take a shot in the dark here when I say, that probably means we don't work as friends either. I don't want to be friends and communication with you is turning out to be somewhat of a thorn in my side.

Well, with that said. Its just like her to pick one sentence, one thing I said, to tear apart. True, I am not “perfectly happy” with life right now. I gave a few exceptions, being bored, having no friends or anyone to talk to, and I also said things could be better. Of course she would choose an “absolute” (the word perfectly) that I mistakenly said, to throw in my face. “You’re not happy and here is why”.

I have to say, there are many things about her that baffle me and I can’t for the life of me figure out. If she was truly “severely miserable” in our relationship, then why did she stay in it? Why did she try to convince me that she wanted to work on our problems? Was it only because I took care of her and the alternative was less appealing? Having to move back in with her mom and support herself, as opposed to having me pay for housing, electricity, and food, so she could spend her child support and child’s social security on shoes and clothes for herself.

It doesn’t matter what I want from her, she is unwilling to give anything. When it comes to what I “WANT” well I would really like to know that all the times she said she loved me, all the little notes, when she said our breakup was harder then finding out her daughter may die, wasn’t all a lie. She said that it was hard because I was the first person she ever really loved. Well if that is true, then how can she treat me the way she does? I would like to feel that she wasn’t just using me, until I had nothing left to offer, and then throwing me aside. I think that is exactly what she did with the friends that gave us a place to stay, when we moved across country.

Thats another thing, (I’ll allow some animosity to flow here) shortly after we got together, she was forced to quit her job to take care of her ailing 4 (now 5) year old. She moved in with her mother and step-dad for the time being. I was the one who saved my money and moved us across country. Then brought her back to the place I hated being, and stayed here for her. I got us an apartment, which she convinced me she would help pay for with child support, social security and donated money.

The only bill she paid on, which she made the “self fulfilling prophecy” that it would be the demise of our relationship, was the internet. Anything I did online that she didn’t agree with, was canceled out by her maintaining the relationship with the guy she ran to, as soon as ours was over. She also maintained an internet relationship with someone else (even after she admitted she had no use for it) just because he gave her money when she needed some help. Not to mention someone she had a fling with while his girlfriend lived somewhere else. All of these things, I allowed, because I believed her and trusted her, which she couldn’t do for me.

Besides financially supporting her, I was also there for her through what was quite possibly the hardest time in her life. I was the one by her side every step of the way, seeing her through her daughter’s heart transplant. I was there for her daughter even when her father was not. Only leaving them long enough to work, I stayed with her on countless nights in the hospital. Losing sleep, and going back to work exhausted. She claimed it meant a lot to her, that I would always be a part of their life. I “want” to feel like she would stand by that, that she really meant what she said. Not that I feel she is indebted to me, but because I fell in love with both of them. They are like family to me, and I can’t just let that go.

She found a little poem that said “If equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me”. Well I think that I have more then proven, that I am the more loving one. I do not hold anything against her, and I didn’t hold things against her in our relationship. Yes, I would like it if we could keep contact with each other. It is the one thing I can’t let go of, no matter how hard I try to convince myself I’m better off not caring, I still do. As it is apparent, she is much happier pretending I don’t exist. Although, other people have done far less for her then I, they get some kind of preferential treatment that I don’t deserve. So no I’m not “perfectly happy”, though in many ways I’m happier then I was with her, and if that is truly who she is, I really am better off.

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1 Comment

  1. sylvied said,

    Hi,

    A quick hello to let you know that Fuelmyblog has had some surgery done and lots of changes have happened.
    Your current voting widget is not valid, to fix this all you need to do is login to your account with Fuel and follow the link for widgets. All the widgets displayed on that page have the code matching your blog and are ready to copy and paste.

    Happy blogging!

    Sylvie
    http://www.fuelmyblog.com

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